Family and Memories…

This past weekend was one of those that held a lot of those little unexpected pieces of happy. But I figure I will hit a dry spell at some point, so better to save some for those days. 

So, my happy for this post is Family. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, family can cause plenty of strife also, but we are focusing on the happy here people, not the negative nellies. 

This past Sunday, I had the pleasure of meeting a good chunk of my husband’s family. Other than lots of Facebook posts and a few run ins I had never really met them/ gotten the chance to hold a real conversation with them. So, I was nervous… well that is putting it mildly. After being with the man for over 14 years, meeting his family was a step I thought we were long past. But I was excited… and nervous… lots of mixed emotions going on. 

Within ten minutes of arriving, we were hugging and laughing. My three kids, all of various ages were all playing with cousins they had never met before. When I say it was a beautiful, beautiful sight, I truly mean it. 

The more people we met, the sound of laughter grew. Squeals of playing kids mingled with the deep baritones of the men making jokes about each other. Everything just fell into place. It was so amazing words really do fail me (and being a writer that says a lot).

On July 4th, we had a picnic at my cousin’s and I remember thinking the same thing as she gave my kids their first sparklers to to hold. 

It reminded me of the picnics I would go to with my mom and nana as a kid. Kids running amuck while the adults sat in their little groups sharing stories of when they were kids. The sweet smell of the sun on our skin and reveling in the all of the food we could pick from. As the sunk sank lower, we would draw closer to the adults, listening to the stories and hoping that one day we would have such great stories to tell. As the fireflies came out, and we started to make our god byes our eyes would grow heavy but we didn’t want them to close, because then the day would be over.  

So I didn’t yell when my kids tried to hide and keep playing (now I did yell at my husband, but that is a whole other story) because I remembered what it was like, not wanting that magic to end. And I have to say I felt the same way.

Family… yup, that’s my happy.                      3873575180_a904382e79

And another happy for all of those great summer memories we store up as kids, like fireflies in a jar. Bright and beautiful, our little bit of brilliance in a sea of darkness.


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It feels like a thousand years has passed since i last wrote….

So, I last wrote a blog post back in 2013, wow.

How life has changed since then… and with that, so has the purpose for this blog.

You see, between March 21st and April 29th, I lost a chunk of myself.

In that small chunk of time, in those few weeks, a relatively short time in the grand scheme of things, my world broke down and finally split.

On March 21st, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and on April 29th she died at home. My mom raised me as a single parent. We lived together for all but a few years. Like I said, when it came time that the doctors could do no more, we brought her home, so she could be in complete comfort and surrounded by love when the time came.

I’m sure, in time, I’ll write more about this but today has been one of my better days, so I will leave those memories for another time.

Some days are good, happy days, full of productivity and good thoughts. And some days are not so good. I’ve been struggling with those inner demons. The chorus of voices that ask “What could I have done differently?” along with many whys and how’s.

In this internal battle, I fight to find that happy, to find that little piece of joy to hold onto even in the darkest of moments. My kids and hubby provide many of those times. But I fear that I am living through their laughter and smiles, not experiencing the joy for myself anymore.

Mom’s birthday was July 12th. She would have been 65. That day I started to develop the idea of using this once deceased blog to find my happy. Find my way to that new normal I know is out there. It may be in silly pictures, music, experiences, whatever may come my way.

Writing has always been my outlet and maybe, by writing these things down I can somehow find my way.

So, my happy for today? I cleaned my kitchen.

Sometimes a clean house really does bring its own kind of tranquility. 


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Coming back from the dead…

um, hi, yeah, i am still alive…

So i have been writing, though i have been neglecting my poor lil’ blog. a change of plans is in order, more me and less formulaic writing. we’ll see how this goes….

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A wandering mind, An angry brain, & A sad heart

Recently, I realized that I am hyper focused. There is one subject always in my mind, running through my subconscious, a constant thought, a constant topic of conversation. It is now to the point I feel it difficult to have general conversation because it is all I think about. I even find myself avoiding social situations because it is all I think about and therefore find it so hard to carry a “normal” conversation.

Both of my girls have been labeled as “learning disabled.” Where this fact alone has caused many nights of tears, this is not the sticking point my brain has become centered on. My eldest is transitioning, going from elementary to middle school. We recently went through many tests at an amazing hospital to get a better handle on what the root of her issues may be and the best ways to utilize her strengths. I also was blessed to have amazing friends and family members go over her paperwork with me and discuss programs and alternatives. Through this we came to realize that the services she is receiving are wrong, inadequate and lacking for lack of a better term.

I have beaten myself up thoroughly over this.
“What did I do wrong?”
“What more could I of done?”
“Why didn’t I do more research?”
These are just some of the questions I keep beating myself over the head with. I sit and stare and just think of all of the things I should have done differently. So many what if’s or should haves and could haves. Sometimes, I just can’t breathe from the weight.

But today, in a small moment of clarity, I really thought about this problem as a whole. Then, I got angry.

Why should a parent need a translator to decipher what the school district must do and what they are offering? As a parent I trusted the school district, the school board, the special education department and lastly her teachers to provide the best education for my child. I trusted them to provide me with the best options for her and to help me make an educated decision as to what was best for her. I am a parent, not a teacher, I hold no special education certificate. I want what is best for my baby, period. And they have fallen far short in giving her what she needs for a bright productive future.

They kept her in a situation that was easy, cost efficient. Whether the teacher went along with this just because or if she really had my girl’s best intentions in mind, I really don’t know. But anyone who tells a child that a task is too hard for them to do, is not inspiring anything.

Soon my husband and I will meet with her “team” and many questions will need to be answered. I may blame myself for not doing more throughout the years, but now the time has come for changes to be made, questions to be asked and answers to be given by the people who I entrusted my child to. They failed her, now what are they going to do to fix it. I want answers and unfortunately for them, it is all I am thinking about.

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Little Graces and Thankful Moments

just a quick thought…

today was hectic and crazy, running from place to place, though never getting anywhere on time and then being stuck in traffic for over 5 hours. it is enough to make even the most patient person squirrelly.

but today, in Philadelphia, it was also a very tragic day. two heroes, two Philadelphia firefighters were killed. their families are one smaller tonight, their worlds sadder than anyone could ever imagine.  i could bitch and moan and kvetch and complain. but you know what?

my kids woke up today, my husband is safe and here with me. all of the people i love and hold so close  all woke up to beautiful sunny skies. i am a very lucky girl.

more often people, including myself, should take stock of their lives and see the good, not just the bad. enjoy those little things we always take for granted, and always, always, always tell the people who mean the most how much they mean to you, and just how much you love them.

because you just never know….


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So you want to be a writer?

So, you want to be a writer?

I remember, as a kid and then in high school, being asked this question oh so many times.  Yes there were always other professions that danced around in my head, veterinarian, teacher, lawyer but along with all of them was the need to be a writer.

I was good at it. In the beginning it wasn’t something I had to try overtly hard to do. It came naturally. The more i did it, the more I realized that it was a release that I needed. It provided an outlet for my over crowed brain and tender heart. After a long break in my life where I didn’t write, I realized how much that simple act of writing kept me balanced and feeling whole.

Now, writing for me is a need. The best way to describe it is an itch that needs to be scratched. I can ignore it, push it off to the side, but eventually it will drive me to the brink of madness. I will admit that it is not an all day, every day need. Sometimes it disappears for days or weeks. But then it is back and the itch begins again.

I think that being a writer is not just something you do, but an entire way of being. It’s the way that I see things, the way I interpret the world around me. When seeing a movie, I see not only the pictures on the screen but also the characters and how they are formed. What makes these characters stand out from others? How would I develop the character differently? What makes the plot move forward? What would I change?

Everyone I meet is a potential character. Some people I have met and talked to, others I see walking down the street. I see people interact and insert a dialogue that I have created into the setting.

So in the end, it is not so much that I want to be a writer, but that I already am a writer. Body, mind and soul I am a writer. Now it is finding the discipline and putting all of that being to real use. And this blog is a starting point for just that….

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hey there

Why hello there world!

This blog is still under construction. I am trying my very best to get myself sorted and together and get going with things. Hopefully, awesome writings and posts are to come!

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